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Saturday, July 10, 2010

whoa mama

june 28th was the last day i updated...
so that makes today 214/365.

i havent been working much.
i pretty much just cry, watch netflix and paint stuff on canvas

im feeling suuuuper disconnected lately.
i have a lot that i want to happen in my life right now, and in the next six months.
it take a lot of planning and not planning. and goals. and patience.
im working on it.

it has been really nice having these past few weeks of only working a couple days a week.
on the other hand, its been really hard, because i need structure.
neeeeed it.
and since i have been crossing off my to-do list, painting and watching la ink for hours, i am not focusing on myself. and my goals. and taking care of the people in my universe.

we leave for haiti in a week. [well, we leave portland in six days][and then for haiti a handful of days after that.

i have been crossing things off my 101 things in 1001 days list like crazy.
click on the tab at the top of the page and check out what i have been doing...

lots of pictures.

i am thankful for a lot of things. i have been thinking a lot about how to be my own boss and what type of job i want to create for myself. i am thankful for haiti, for getting ready. packing. getting shots. raising $3,200. talking to people that are donating tons of supplies. i cant wait to see my family. and ride my bike in minneapolis. and take a lot of pictures. and be with blake the whole time. i am so thankful for him. i cant believe what a great human he is. really. sometimes [like this past week] my head is really full and my brain is scattered around the sidewalk, so i am not a good partner. i get so overwhelmed by my goals [or lack thereof] that i resort to being an independent single human. i am not always good at falling and letting people help me up. im not good at being calm and saying ...hey, i need help... usually, it comes out as f-bombs and anxiety attacks. today, i was falling apart as i was putting my issues into words and we both started bawling. i am never been with someone that feels my pain. has such empathy. put themselves where i am. theres not fighting and yelling. he holds my hand. i cry my face off and it all gets easier.

its a big deal being with someone who really cares. i am really good at being by myself and not letting humans in. i like to keep a pretty low profile and swallow my own drama-rama. doesnt work when you share a bed with someone every day... we get stronger and i am s.l.ow.l.y learning how to let someone in. all the time. not just when i want.

so blake, you never read this.
but i love you more than peanut butter from trader joes. and vegan carrot cake from a piece of cake. and i think you are waaaay cuter than maculey culkin AND will pugh. [and nick carter]
i love you..