that time i called myself f-a-t during hot yoga // week 1 of our 30-day challenge

happy monday, everybody!
i am only a week in with having 2 blogs & i can already feel myself slipping a bit..
i have been having a blast with my acts of kindness on my new blog ; come see!

so, lets talk about hot yoga!
this month is the 'grow your yoga challenge', hosted by moksha yoga studios, all over the country [& canada].
blake & i bought a pass, with the intention of attending at least 28 classes in the month of may.
do you know moksha? its an super eco hot yoga studio. they offer a few different styles of yoga, all at 103*.

like running, i love the idea of yoga. the idea of pure calm. and listening to your body. tuning out the world. focusing on all of the good & breathing out all of the bad.
and sometimes, that happens for me.
but yesterday? not so much.
last night, we attended the 6pm hot hatha practice. the room was FULL. i mean it. bodies & bodies filling the already sweltering room.
when you walk in, before class starts, are you suppose to lay in savasana [corpse pose] ; breathing into your mat, setting your intention and preparing for class.

from the start, i just couldnt get it together. i was aware of the heat. of the heavy breather a row over. aware of the really fit girl wearing short shorts & a bra a few mats over. thinking about my to-do list.
as class went on, i was struggling. one of my knees was giving me trouble, no matter what modification i would do. and then i saw them ; i realized that i was surrounded by really skinny // fit girls that were really deep into their poses.

and that was it. i started scolding myself. for needing water. for thinking too much. for feeling like my pants were too tight [and drenched]. and then i said it. the f-a-t word. 

now, i am pretty average size. millions of people are thinner than me. and millions of folks weigh more than me. i work out 6 days a week. lift weights. do push ups. bike commute. i am 153 pounds & 5'8. i am not fat. sure, my thighs touch & i have some chunk in my middle ; but i am not fat.
i dont use that word lightly. its never a word i use to describe myself or others.

so, what the hell was i doing?!
i think this is what we [women] do to ourselves. we sabotage our successes & focus on our shortcomings.
i would never look at someone my size who had to modify a pose & think 'gosh, shes too big for yoga.' so, what in the world was i doing, saying it to myself?
all these hard-bodied yogis got into my head. i allowed their practice to effect mine.
after i realized what i was doing, i laid on my mat. took a few deep breaths. and got back to ME. i told myself that i was strong. i biked to class. i lift weights. i eat well. and take care of myself.
i might not look like a fitness model, but i am what fitness looks like to me.
i deserved to be in that class.
i deserved to be a part of that practice.

i hope that you will also realize that where you are right now ; that is good enough.
we can all improve. we can all get better.
but please, please, please stop & take a deep breath! 
you are amazing. right now ; today.

*i should also say that moksha is great. they are welcoming & the community is amazing. in no way am i saying the staff or certain members were targeting me. this was my own issue. if you are local [or have a moksha in your area], i highly recommend them!*